Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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