I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
