i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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