last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Randomize
