I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
