Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
