You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
