When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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