I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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