I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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