Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Randomize
