I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize