Betty ford says i'm here all night
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
