he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
