sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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