My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
