Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
