How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
