True but thats because hes a fetus.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
