I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
