I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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