I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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