I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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