Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
