I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
