just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
