smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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