i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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