Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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