From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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