someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Randomize
