my sisters under your porch take her home
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
