I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
