Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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