I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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