Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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