I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
