Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
She said her name was "party"
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
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