i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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