my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
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