it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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