I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
