At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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