Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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