Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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