Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
