You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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