"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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