why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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