You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
