go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Randomize