I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize