there's paper in my vomit.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
3 2 1 whiskey
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
