did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
You took a bar mat shot.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
