I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize