i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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