I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
