Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Randomize
