Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize