Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
