Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
