he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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