I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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