Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize