the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
