Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
