she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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